so, umm, yeah
i don't know where to start
chronologically i suppose?
29th March - 2nd April : Paris
2-8th April : Barcelona
8-27th April : Faro
18-20th April : Lisbon
27-30th April : Edinburgh
I'm really quite speechless about the whole experience. It feels quite surreal, almost as though I dreamed the whole thing. I need someone to talk to me, ask me questions, get me started. Not just anyone; I'm feeling a little knotted up right now, I need someone patient to pick at the knots and undo the mess little by little.
I don't mean to say that all that traveling wasn't good or I didn't enjoy myself. Far from it; I really had a blast. But what does it all mean? How am I different? I'm just as lost as I was before.
I am the cat who walks by herself, and all places are alike to me.
I think I understood it best when I explained it to Vanessa on this beach:
I find that most places are the same to me; the differences are obvious but superficial. The underlying, fundamental thing remains the same. I don't know what that thing is. I think it's because I'm such an extremely introverted person, that so much of my world is created and carried around inside my head, that the external environment can do very little to change it.
So, theoretically, going back to Singapore shouldn't be a big deal right? But it is.
There is just so little time left out here in the wide world, before I put my blinkers back on, keep my head down, and just keep plodding on. It hit me very hard when I drew out the months May and June on a piece of paper and started marking dates off. I knew it would, and that's why I drew it. I guess this weird feeling I have now is partially me still reeling from that blow. Could also partially be the fact that its 3am now and I got up at 7am today and walked to church from manor house (took me only 1.5hours, amazingly).
My mum says people have been asking about when I'm coming back. I want to say "I don't know" because I want to stay as long as I can; I hope to change my flight dates or something. But I hear it in their tone; right, girl, you've had enough fun. you'd better come back and settle down. Don't get any silly ideas in your head.
A little too late for that though.
And I just feel SO out of touch with everything going on back home. From the birth of Jayna, to more pregnant people to Kelvin&Grace's and Jianming&Joanne's wedding to Mandy leaving for Beijing to people graduating to the senior writing assistants not being around when I'm back. I'm just missing so much.
To be honest with you, this whole SEP experience has been a huge exercise in escapism. And now as I brace myself to face the consequences, qualms, doubts and misgivings raise their hackles and bare their teeth.
Will she fight or will she run?
1 Comments:
Don't run. Don't fight. Sit with me again on the bench at Cardiff Central, waiting for the train to Swansea. Rmbr our conversation? : )
I feel exactly as you do whenever I think of post-graduation in a year. Don't want to leave, yet what exactly have I got to look toward here? And yes, I feel like I miss out, too. Precious lives, things/ppl that used to be real to me. What are they now?
I think, for me at least, remaining here holds the possibility of going anywhere FROM here. And that this road will (might?) lead to more roads. Endlessness. Going home, then, just feels like the closing of a chapter of a book that I can never return to.
And that scares me. I don't want to regret and live in memories. I think we can call it the Frodo Syndrome.
Wish you were here.
Post a Comment
<< Home